I will never stop.

I am not a fool (most days) and I know there are some people who think I should limit my discussions about Everlee, her death, my due date, etc. Perhaps, they think social media is not the place to discuss such intimate details of one's life. Well, I guess this is my way of publicly saying, I will never stop talking about my daughter because I will never stop loving, missing, grieving, or honoring her life. The day I stop is the day I should be most ashamed of myself. I am not stuck or delusional. I am not living in the past (though I'd love to because she is there). I am simply a mother who is proud of her daughter and misses her dearly.

I talk about her and my experience because it really happened. She really lived and on my worst days it's hard to remember her life and not just her death. I have heard countless times from parents who've lost their child that their burden would weigh a little less if others would validate their child's existence. It'd give me more space to grieve her death if I also didn't have to validate her life, too. I am well aware that people aren't sure what to say, but if you love me and want to be a part of my life, you need to figure it out. If all else fails, just say you don't know what to say, but you love me, and you're sad you didn't get to meet her. I'm not keeping a list and I don't hate you, but my heart has noticed that you've never spoken her name. 

I know her life is marked with sadness and that makes some (most) uncomfortable but frankly, I don't care. If I can live it, you can hear about it from time to time. Even better, ask about her and what reminds me of her lately. Ask my husband because he is her dad and he misses her, too. Those that have the notion we should move on, be happy, try again, or any other action to dispell grief have either never suffered such a loss or are living in denial of the pain. Because, that's just the thing with grief- you can't do anything to stop it. Trust me, I have tried to beg, borrow, and steal my way out of it, but it isn't an obstacle to overcome with willpower. Grief is a state of being, and though painful, it is good for the soul. If my grief and her death make you uncomfortable, you should ask youself why.

Death is as much a part of life as living and no one can escape it. Distancing yourself from our story, her life, her death, and ultimately us, won't work. And why would would it? Why as a culture are we so afraid to discuss the painful parts of life? I've only lived 29 years but I can attest they are equally, if not more common, than the good. I understand why my loss doesn't translate well to Instagram photographs or Twitter feeds, clearly I have way more to say than that allows, but it can be a beautiful time of friendship and love if we get past ourselves. If you are distancing yourself from someone that is grieving, you are missing out on what it is to really live and not preparing your heart for the day it happens to you.

I always hesitate to share anything that isn't full of hope and love (though I mean this to be) because I truly don't want to hurt anyone. The irony is that if you are reading this you are probably not the person(s) I am speaking to, but even still, it must be said. Not because I think it'll change anything, per se, but because it is on my heart. Also, I have been so blessed with several wonderful friends and family that have supported us all the way through, but others are not so blessed. It is also for them that I share my heart. It is my hope that we work out this life together, for as far as I believe, it's the first time any of us have done it and we could all use the help.